❝too good to be true.❞
Is exactly what I'm thinking right now. I just found out tonight that AFI canceled their show in Winnipeg, MB, where I was supposed to be going to see them. It feels like I got slapped in the face, stomped on and pushed to the ground face first. Scheduling complications my fucking arse. I don't know how long I've been waiting for that day, to see them for the first time. I think ever since I was eleven years old, when I first heard them. My brother bought me my first AFI CD, Sing The Sorrow, and the only song I knew was Girl's Not Grey, and I didn't even know the words, I just loved the way it sounded.

I don't even care about the refund. It's just money. If I had the money, I would have paid absolutely anything to see them, they're my idols. So many people get to see them so many times, like it's nothing, so simple, but I can't even see them once! It just isn't fair, and I doubt they'll even come back to Winnipeg for another looooong fucking time, and I won't be able to see them at all for years. I'm just so fucking upset, pissed off, hurt and sad all at the same time.

When I first saw it. I was upstairs, watching an episode of Angel, and my mom had just come back from the hospital. I saw it, and I just couldn't believe it. I started chanting 'Oh my god,' out loud, and my mom asked me what was wrong. I showed her, let her read it and then I just hurriedly took out the Angel DVD, put my dishes away, unplugged my laptop and rushed down to my room.

❝abandon all hope.❞
I cried so hard for a few minutes, and then my brother Jonathan came in my door. Started being all sympathetic, and saying how he knew how I felt, and it had happened to him a few times. I just don't believe they'll come back. I really don't, my hope has gone, fuck, my middle name is a curse. Hope. I sobbed so hard, I almost started screaming, if I only used my voice, I would have. I cried so hard, I felt it in my head, and even now my head still hurts.

After a while, I found that I couldn't cry anymore, and I simply laid there, staring up at my ceiling. I'm not sure how much time had passed, but I had been staring at the ceiling for such a long time. Broken. The one dream I had, they dangled it in front of me, teased me and took it away. I stared so hard, I felt like I was stuck, like I couldn't move at all. It really was just a dream, and now we're awake. The worst part is, is that they did this to my best friend as well, and I don't even know what she's going through right now, but I know it can't be any different from what I'm feeling.

I took down their posters, and now my wall looks empty and white. I just can't look at them or hear them, even though I know this isn't their fault. I just can't.....

I don't even know if I want anything for my birthday or Christmas now, it just seems so pointless now...

DVD's
→ Torchwood Series 2**
→ Torchwood Series 1
→ Doctor Who Series 2
→ Torchwood Series 3
→ My Bloody Valentine
→ Hard Candy
→ True Blood (Season 1)
→ Supernatural Season 4

BOOKS
Torchwood novels:
~ Another Life **
~ Border Princes
~ Slow Decay
~ Something in the Water
~ The Twilight Streets **
~ Pack Animals
~ SkyPoint
~ Almost Perfect **
~ Bay of the Dead
~ Into the Silence **
~ The House that Jack Built
~ Risk Assessment
~ The Undertaker's Gift
~ Consequences

→ John Barrowman: I Am What I Am **
→ John Barrowman: Anything Goes (HARDCOVER)
→ John Barrowman: Anything Goes

→ Latest issue of Doctor Who Magazine
→ Latest issue of Supernatural Magazine

OTHER
→ prepaid credit card (so I can buy stuff online) **
→ Webcam for my laptop **
→ A digital camera **
→ A big telescope
→ Any Doctor Who merch from Raven Toys **

→ Canadian Classics King Size Cigarettes **
→ Full Throttle Energy Drink **
→ Little bottle of Peach Schnapps ;)
→ Or, you know, Smirnoff Ice

fyi: i say 'birthmas' because my birthday and christmas is so close together~ and if you think i get more presents than usual, you're wrong, pfft. december 20 is my birthday. (:

I've been crying for the past ten minutes. Today was just shit. I can feel that somehow, I upset my dad, and even though I haven't seen him all day, I can feel it lingering, and it hurts. I haven't even heard a word from my best friend at all, and it feels like she's ignoring me, but that's probably just me being paranoid.

I just woke up from a nap a while ago, and even in my sleep I couldn't rest. I had a freaky dream. When I woke up and went upstairs, my mom was mad at me, and that just set me off. I stormed to my room, turned everything off and just cried. Hugged my puppy. No one fucking cares, no one came to see if I was alright. No one ever does.

I don't know what I'm going to do.... I just feel so pushed aside, like I can't do anything right. It hurts so bad.

... Maybe I can't do anything right.

Oh, and apparently I can't even teach my dog to not eat grass. He threw up. >.>

IM GONNA SEE AFI. HOMG.


It kind of feels like some unreal dream, that I don't ever want to wake up from. I don't know how long I've been waiting for them to finally come near me, because I seriously can't afford to like... go all the way down to Toronto, or something, or the states. Yess, I've been waiting years for this. My fifth show is going to be AFI (yes, I've only been to four shows, well, arena shows). It's awesome, our Despair Faction-ness finally went to work. Used the password and got them online!

So yes, we're gonna be nerds about this. I want this day to be perfect, absolutely perfect! I'm so getting my hairs done and stuffs, saving up money for the merch! Oh wow, I still feel like I'm dreaming. Hush all you who've seen them! I haven't! Not yet anyway! Going to see them with my best friend! Oh my god, this feels amazing, gonna listen to them nonstop now until then~ :D